Initial Thoughts

January 26, 2015

I cannot believe I am going to be a Mom. That really, I already am- and Bryan is a dad. Today Baby Hill is the size of a poppy seed. By the end of the week, he or she will be the size of an apple seed- which is a pretty big week for the little one, if you think about it! I am trying to let this all sink in and let the reality of the situation fall over me, because truthfully, I don’t feel very different yet. Other than being much more sleepy than usual, I feel normal. I know the morning sickness doesn’t hit until about week 6 (thanks Google), so it should hit around the time we go to San Francisco for my friend Michele’s wedding. Baby Hill will most definitely cramp my style during our day visiting vineyards in Napa, though the upside is that we’ll save hundreds on a wine tour since we have a designated driver now!

At this point we’ve told only our parents, but I am already dying to share the news with everyone. I swear I almost told about 4 people at Publix the day I found out. This poor mama was trying to find something on an aisle as her two daughters- probably 2 and 4- screamed to her from the cart about an item they wanted. She looked at me as I passed and sighed, giving me an expression that said “I’m sorry my kids are screaming and that you’re hearing it and I’m just trying so hard!” I smiled and said “Don’t worry, you’re good!” What I wanted to say was “Don’t worry, you’re good! I am 5 minutes pregnant and I am so excited and I can’t stop smiling and their fussing sounds like music to me right now!” (I am sure I will look back and laugh at the notion of that sounding like music when it’s my own screaming kids in the buggie, but for now, I will revel in it.) Thankfully I showed some restraint, and kept my stream of consciousness rant to myself.

I have only known now for three days, and already I feel like it has been an eternity. Not being able to tell friends and family is SO hard! We had two parties to attend this weekend and I had to keep my mouth shut. I also had to say no to the vino, so likely, everyone already 100% knows- but what can you do?

Then there is the worry. More women I know than not have had a miscarriage, and I am trying to balance not getting overly excited about this baby until 12 weeks with being positive because at this point, there is only a reason to be joyful. I guess worrying about your child starts from day one.

For right now, I am trying to choose to live in joy about this news, because this baby is already a gift from God and a blessing to Bryan and me. I have been Googling sizes and development stages constantly, and it’s so crazy to see a visual of what the baby looks like now versus what he or she will look like in just two more weeks! It will go from being the size of a poppy seed to a little shrimp looking thing by week 6, and by week 8, it will have little arms and hands! It’s just truly miraculous to me.

As time drips by until we hit week 12- and of course, after that too- I will continue to pray. Pray for this baby to grow and develop and thrive. Pray for Bryan and me to draw closer to God and to one another as we navigate these life changing, relationship changing waters for the first time. Pray that I will be a good mom.

This already feels like this biggest thing I have ever done and he or she is still just a poppy seed! I can’t imagine how I will feel when we get to watermelon!