SHOCKING that a post in early January would be about change and "the journey", right? It seems fairly predictable. In reality, though, this topic is one that I have been contemplating for some time now. It's something that I would wager everyone thinks about and struggles with on a regular basis- particularly women.
How do you balance recognizing a need for change and setting goals with still loving and valuing yourself just the way you are?
Let me explain...
2012 was CRAZY. We started the year with buying a house. We traveled to weddings and went on vacations and business trips. We planned the wedding of our dreams, went on our honeymoon, and ten days later I left for India. I got back the week of Thanksgiving and delved right into holiday mode with shopping and decorating and yuletide crazy. All the while trying to figure out this wife thing and be what Bryan deserves in a partner. Don't get me wrong- I do not say any of this to complain in the slightest. 2012 was a year where many of my biggest dreams became realities. To say I am blessed would be the understatement of the century. However, to say that I feel a bit like I just walked out of a tornado would also be true.
As Bryan and I were driving the other day discussing resolutions, I said generically that I would like to find more balance in life. A result of the sheer insanity of last year is that stressed has become my normal. I know I am not alone in that. With lawns to mow, bills to pay, church to attend, friends to visit, spouses to love- we are all running from pillar to post 99% of the time. For me, a negative side effect of keeping that pace is that I sometimes find myself feeling like a big fat failure. In every sense of the word. When you are constantly thinking about the next thing and not feeling like you ever really finish the thing you're currently on, it can result in a sense of desperation and fear that you're just not cutting it. I have found that I've become anxious at times to the point where I almost can't catch my breath (which is something I have never really struggled with before). It is like I have gotten everything that I have ever really wanted in life (aside from kids which is whoooaaa nelly a few years away) but I am not at peace. And then I feel guilty because good lord, what do I have to complain about? It's a feeling I think a lot of women struggle with which is discussed at length in a book I love about a woman's heart called Captivating: we're constantly afraid that we are either too much or not enough and cannot ever seem to get it juuust right.
There is an obvious need for some tweaking in my day to day life to find balance and peace, and the good news is I have a plan. I am going to document it here so that it is written down and captured forever on the permanent record of the interwebs. More to come on that later.
But my main objective is to be okay with the fact that I am on the journey. I would like to learn how to love myself better in spite of my flaws. I would like to learn how to be able to recognize a need for change and work toward my goals WITHOUT being unhappy with myself in the meantime. I often fall into the trap of "Things will be so much better when..." or "I will feel much more comfortable in my own skin once I..." UGH. Gross. Enough. It is exhausting.
The truth is, even if I were a size 2 CEO with perfect skin and all the money in the world, there would still be something off somewhere in my life. Perfection is not an option but being at peace with beautiful imperfection is. So, that is my overarching goal. Because I know that I will at some point skip a work out this year or eat much too much pizza or utter something too vulgar in front of someone too proper. I will feel like I am too much, and then too little. But then, I resolve to take a couple of deep breaths and remind myself that I am okay just the way that I am right at that very moment.
I hope that anyone reading this (who is still reading that this point) can take away that message also. Most of us have some lofty goals to work toward in 2013, which is a good thing. We should all always be changing, growing, and learning. It's helpful to stop, take stock of things, and recognize where change is needed. But let us also remember to love ourselves as we climb our respective mountains. We are okay. We are doing fine. We are enough.
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