Loving Yourself on the Journey

SHOCKING that a post in early January would be about change and "the journey", right? It seems fairly predictable. In reality, though, this topic is one that I have been contemplating for some time now. It's something that I would wager everyone thinks about and struggles with on a regular basis- particularly women.

How do you balance recognizing a need for change and setting goals with still loving and valuing yourself just the way you are?

Let me explain...

2012 was CRAZY. We started the year with buying a house. We traveled to weddings and went on vacations and business trips. We planned the wedding of our dreams, went on our honeymoon, and ten days later I left for India. I got back the week of Thanksgiving and delved right into holiday mode with shopping and decorating and yuletide crazy. All the while trying to figure out this wife thing and be what Bryan deserves in a partner. Don't get me wrong- I do not say any of this to complain in the slightest. 2012 was a year where many of my biggest dreams became realities. To say I am blessed would be the understatement of the century. However, to say that I feel a bit like I just walked out of a tornado would also be true.

As Bryan and I were driving the other day discussing resolutions, I said generically that I would like to find more balance in life. A result of the sheer insanity of last year is that stressed has become my normal. I know I am not alone in that. With lawns to mow, bills to pay, church to attend, friends to visit, spouses to love- we are all running from pillar to post 99% of the time. For me, a negative side effect of keeping that pace is that I sometimes find myself feeling like a big fat failure. In every sense of the word. When you are constantly thinking about the next thing and not feeling like you ever really finish the thing you're currently on, it can result in a sense of desperation and fear that you're just not cutting it. I have found that I've become anxious at times to the point where I almost can't catch my breath (which is something I have never really struggled with before). It is like I have gotten everything that I have ever really wanted in life (aside from kids which is whoooaaa nelly a few years away) but I am not at peace. And then I feel guilty because good lord, what do I have to complain about? It's a feeling I think a lot of women struggle with which is discussed at length in a book I love about a woman's heart called Captivating: we're constantly afraid that we are either too much or not enough and cannot ever seem to get it juuust right.

There is an obvious need for some tweaking in my day to day life to find balance and peace, and the good news is I have a plan.  I am going to document it here so that it is written down and captured forever on the permanent record of the interwebs. More to come on that later.

But my main objective is to be okay with the fact that I am on the journey. I would like to learn how to love myself better in spite of my flaws. I would like to learn how to be able to recognize a need for change and work toward my goals WITHOUT being unhappy with myself in the meantime. I often fall into the trap of "Things will be so much better when..." or "I will feel much more comfortable in my own skin once I..." UGH. Gross. Enough. It is exhausting.

The truth is, even if I were a size 2 CEO with perfect skin and all the money in the world, there would still be something off somewhere in my life. Perfection is not an option but being at peace with beautiful imperfection is. So, that is my overarching goal. Because I know that I will at some point skip a work out this year or eat much too much pizza or utter something too vulgar in front of someone too proper. I will feel like I am too much, and then too little. But then, I resolve to take a couple of deep breaths and remind myself that I am okay just the way that I am right at that very moment.

I hope that anyone reading this (who is still reading that this point) can take away that message also. Most of us have some lofty goals to work toward in 2013, which is a good thing. We should all always be changing, growing, and learning. It's helpful to stop, take stock of things, and recognize where change is needed. But let us also remember to love ourselves as we climb our respective mountains. We are okay. We are doing fine. We are enough.

Starting 2013 with a (Back) Splash!

We were very blessed with several gift cards to Home Depot for wedding gifts and decided to use them to purchase the materials for a back splash in our kitchen. This was a project I had been wanting to tackle for quite some time since we bought the house last year. It was one of those things that we didn't even notice was missing when we looked at the house. I think our eyes gleamed at the stainless steel appliances and granite counter tops (which we LOVE, don't get me wrong) and we didn't even think to consider a back splash. That is, until we started cooking and doing dishes and noticed that the walls were getting dirty and wet.

 

On the laundry list of projects we'd like to do (finish the bar Bryan is building, add stairs and a path in the front yard, hang the porch swing, etc.) this wasn't huge on Bryan's priority list. But luckily with the gift cards and the name of an affordable handy man from my uncle, it was a project that could be accomplished in a short amount of time and handled affordably by a professional. We found the tile we liked and were told my Home Depot associate #1 that it was called Noche. They didn't have enough, so we headed to another location to pick up more and the color seemed off in that box. So, at Home Depot number 3, associate #2 told me that the tile in the model we liked was not Noche at all- it was Chiaro.

 

After a deep sigh and several swap outs/ returns/ blah blah blah, we finally got the right tiles and we were ready to roll. With the help of our new friends Butch and Johnny, our back splash was ready after a couple days of work! I think B was surprised at the difference it made. He agreed that it makes the kitchen look more finished and polished, and it really completes the room nicely.

 

Here are the before and afters:

 

Corner Before

 



Corner After



Sink and Window Before

Sink and Window After

Kitchen Before

Kitchen After

Ta Daaaaa!

We love the tile we selected and are so pleased with the finished product. Projects like this for our home are so satisfying because I love that Bryan and I get to come together to make our little space in this world our own. I think they also help with the whole cleaving process as I have to resist to my gut instinct to just call my mom and ask her exactly what we should do and consciously step toward Bryan and value his opinion before all others. It's so funny how much of choice that is! Maybe I am abnormal because I am super close with my parents, but I do have to remind myself sometimes that we are running our show now. It is a lot of fun getting to make these decisions together and become more of a unit. Go Hills!

 

That said, I still called my mom 3 times last week when fixing my first ever breakfast casserole for Christmas, so I understand full well that I will never stop needing her counsel!