My Biggest Fear About Having a Baby

I have had several people ask me if I am nervous about childbirth, or wish me good luck with the sleepless nights and the endless diaper changes in the not so distant future. Parenthood comes with lots of new experiences that can, at times, be daunting when you allow yourself to think of them all at once. But like anything, I try to remind myself that all of this will be fine when taken one day at a time. We will learn as we go about how to handle each situation and will settle into a routine with Liam and eventually find our new normal.

Honestly, what scares me most about having a baby is the change that it will mean for my marriage. Everyone says that there is no way to understand the type of love you will have for your child until you first hold them in your arms, and I am sure that is so true. As much as I love him now, I do feel a little like all of this is still sort of imaginary at this point- though as the nursery furniture arrives and Liam’s movements become more like kicks and less like flutters, the reality becomes more clear. I cannot imagine how Bryan and I will feel and how our hearts will change once he gets here. I am sure it will be overwhelming and will be something we could never grasp until it actually happens.

I know it will be an amazing new love, and that it will also deepen the love I have for Bryan as I see him become a father. He is going to be so, so amazing at being a dad. I watched him dance with the flower girl at a wedding we attended this past weekend, copy catting her most original moves and just delighting this little girl- not caring a thing about looking silly- and my heart swelled at the thought of him dancing around with Liam. Bryan was born to be a dad.

However as excited as I am to witness him as a father, I know that we are also in for a whole new level of sleeplessness and busyness. We have babysat overnight a few times for our niece and nephew, and I remember us looking at one another after finally getting them to bed and commenting on how we hadn’t even had time to ask how the other’s day had been. There was so much to do with dinner time and coaxing them into eating 3 more bites and bath time and stories that there was never a minute to sit still! And this will be normal, every night, without ever giving him back to his parents the next day because the parents will be us. As exciting as all of this is, it is also fairly terrifying.

Having little glimpses of the sheer chaos that comes with parenthood makes it easy to see how couples lose sight of each other and their marriages. I am sure that it is never an intentional move and that it is something that probably happens slowly over the course of time, but it is easy to see how exhaustion could lead to complacency in a relationship. I know that B and I will have to be much more intentional about taking care of one another and showing our love for each other so that we can put our marriage before all else, including Liam, but it’s hard to know what that will look like. I often hear people say “You just have to put your marriage first.” Okay- sounds good. What does that look like? How do you do that on a daily basis? The reality of how to practice that day in and day out is what perplexes me. My mom always says that “the best gift you can give your child is to love your spouse and love them well.” I want to be sure to give Liam and his future siblings that gift, and to give Bryan the gift of putting him first in an effort to protect this marriage with which we have been blessed. How that will work amongst the craziness is what I am nervous about.

Since finding out we are pregnant, we have been extra intentional about taking time to sleep in on weekends to snuggle and relax with one another, knowing that our days of doing so are numbered. A few weeks ago, Bryan and I were enjoying this one Saturday morning and were discussing our mutual fear of losing each other in the hustle and bustle. “I don’t want to miss you,” he said. That simple statement captured the sentiment very well, I thought. I don’t want to miss my husband even though he is standing just feet away from me and sleeping by my side at night. We both feel so strongly about fiercely protecting our marriage, and I think we both feel a little unprepared at how to do so.

If anyone reading this has tricks that have worked for them, please share! I am sure this is a topic that hits close to home for many couples with young kids, and I’d love to learn about some tangible ways that you put your spouse first.

Gratitude and the Ripple Effect of Compassion

I have spent the last week trying to process an event which holds within it so many different layers of tragedy that it is truly hard to fathom. I have been spilling over with thoughts and emotions, and finally decided to write them down.

A young woman I had the pleasure of knowing, though not very well, was killed last Friday when the small plane she was on with her fiancé, his dad, and his brother, crashed into I-285 in Atlanta. Miraculously, nobody on the highway was killed, but all four people on the plane died. They were heading to her fiancé's little brother’s graduation from their alma mater, Ole Miss. What promised to be a fun filled weekend celebrating and reliving college memories turned into a loss the likes of which these families have likely never known.

I had the pleasure of participating in the Komen 3 Day Walk with Jackie, the young woman who died, in 2011. I have run into her here and there since then, but most of my memories of her come from that weekend when our team got to know one another very well rather quickly. (When you’re comparing the sizes of the blisters on your feet and embracing through tears at the memory of loved ones lost, you tend to bond pretty fast.) What I know of her is that she was a young woman full of life whose loyalty to her friends was fierce, whose drive was impressive, whose faith was strong, who was a whole lot of fun to be around, and who is gone way, way too soon.

It’s hard to contemplate a death without relating it to your life. Jackie and her soon to be husband planned to wed in October. They had just purchased their first home a few miles down the road from mine. They had recently gotten a golden doodle puppy. They were young and looking forward to the rest of their lives. They were, essentially, in the exact same place that Bryan and I were in a few short years ago. Thinking about her death makes me think of how lucky I am and how thankful I am to have made it to my 29^th birthday. While I am still so young, I’ve gotten to experience the wedding of my dreams and know the love of a kind husband who I adore. I have gotten to have a home of my own with a precious dog we love and to plant flowers in my own front yard. I have gotten to see the word “Pregnant” on a test, to excitedly share the news with my husband, and to feel my son’s first kicks deep inside of me. How lucky I am to have lived these past few years! It’s a normal part of processing a loss to feel overwhelmingly thankful, I think. After all- you’re still here. The question, then, becomes- now how are you going to live this life you have?

I was getting ready to attend Jackie’s funeral this morning, and was struck by something. I had planned to attend firstly, to honor Jackie, though I was not a close friend of hers and knew her primarily through our wonderful 3 Day weekend together and through our mutual close family friends, the Martins. I am a firm believer that when in doubt, you just show up.

Side note: Too often people worry whether it’s appropriate to attend a funeral, to place a call to someone when they’re thinking of them, or to speak to a stranger that they think looks like he or she may be having a particularly hard day. But, you know what? If that was me sitting in the front row mourning the loss of my daughter or sister, I would want to look out and see as many faces as I could. I would want all of the people to come and to honor my loved one, no matter how close they were them. Showing up is our way of saying, I knew them, I will remember them, they touched me in some way, and their life mattered.  It’s so important to stop asking questions and just show up.

My second reason for attending the funeral was to be there for our family friends, the Martins, the eldest of whom is one of my dearest friends and loved Jackie like a sister. Her younger sister was her best friend, and their entire family considered her to be one of their own. This has been a huge loss for them, and it was important to show up to support them. However, as I got ready this morning, I was struck by the calls and texts I received from my friends and family telling me that they would be thinking of and praying for ME. Me- someone who was certainly touched by Jackie in the brief time we knew one another, but who wouldn’t be feeling this loss on the same level that so many others there today would be for the days and months to come. They understood that today would still be a hard day, even for me, and that to sit in church and sing those familiar songs of prayer and hear the words that would attempt to put perspective on this whole ordeal would be overwhelming and deeply touching.

So here I am, trying to show up to support my friends, and these other people in my life are going out of their way to show up for me and to let me know that they love me. It got me thinking about the impact that something like this has. If you take the time to process that every person in the church today was showing up for Jackie and for one another, and that others at home were thinking of and praying for those in attendance, just imagine the sheer number of prayers and thoughts that went up this morning- ultimately because of this one life. It really is breath taking when you pause to think of it. It’s like an enormous web, reaching across long distances to cover and protect everyone there.

Monsignor Lopez, a beloved and pretty much famous priest (at least to anyone who attended St. Pius Catholic High School), gave the homily (which is a Catholic word for sermon for my Protestant peeps) today. To say he is an incredible speaker would be an understatement. He speaks with conviction, with compassion, and with so much confidence that you don’t even consider stopping to doubt anything he says. He did a beautiful job of acknowledging the tragedy of this loss- of these four losses. He said that the people gathered today were expecting a wedding, and what they got was a funeral. Can there be anything that will knock the wind out of you quite like that? The biggest take away from his words, though, was that amidst this tragedy- amidst any tragedy with which we are faced- we cannot allow ourselves to stop trusting our God or to stop praying. He reminded us that our God is one who literally came down to Earth to intentionally suffer agony and death so that He could be united with us in our pain and so that He could offer us eternal peace if we would just trust in His love and come to Him on our knees when we are broken. When He says He is with us, He means it because He has been there. He has felt the fear, experienced the pain, and conquered it. And when you stop to think of the goodness of people- of the web of compassion which covered those in mourning today- how could we not believe? When people choose to love one another so well, to come out of the woodwork and fly to another city to be there for one another, and to call and text their “I love you”s from near and far- how can we not trust that our God is with us? We are called to be the hands of Christ to one another, and experiencing a day like today makes you feel just how that works in the world.

I am so thankful to have gotten the chance to know Jackie, and to have been a part of the web that covered her people today. My prayers is that her family and friends felt it too.

 

 

William Michael Hill

April 18, 2015

Easter morning, Bryan and I were driving to Roanoke, Alabama to visit his dad’s side of the family. While driving, Bryan mentioned that it would be a good time to discuss baby names because we had almost two hours to kill. We had already spoken about the name William Michael many times, and both really loved it, but we were worried because it almost came too easily! For some strange reason, we felt compelled to do more research and gnashing of teeth before determining the PERFECT name for our firstborn son. So, I googled several lists of baby names and read them aloud. While there were some we liked, nothing felt as right to us as William Michael. After a short while, I asked Bryan why we were fighting this when clearly this was a name full of meaning for both of us, and we both loved it. He concurred that he really wasn’t sure, and with that, our decision was made.

Our little man’s full name will be William Michael Hill, and we will call him Liam for short. We LOVE this name. William is a huge family name for Bryan on both his mom’s and his dad’s side. His father, who goes by Dusty, is William Thomas Hill III, and is named after his father (Tommy) who is named after his father (Bill) before that! So, there’s a long line of Williams on the Hill side that we want to honor by naming our son after them. Bryan’s grandfather on his Mom’s side is named William as well, and he goes by Bill. His uncle is also named William, and goes by Billy, and he has a cousin named Will on this side as well. Bryan really admires all of these great Williams in his family, and loves spending time with them. Each has a special place in his heart, and in mine as well as they have grown to become my family too over the years. Naming our son in their honor just fits perfectly. Plus, we love that by calling him Liam, he’ll have his own unique identity while sharing the tradition of the name William.

Being a Callahan of Irish descent, there are a whole lot of Michaels in my family! First and foremost, my dad is a Michael, and is the original man who had my whole heart until Bryan came along. My grandfather and his father before that were also Michaels- though my great grandfather changed his name from George Michael Callahan to George Washington Callahan when he came to the states so he sounded more American…. yea, we laugh about it too. My brother is Michael Patrick Callahan, though he goes by Patrick, and my brother in law is actually William Michael Baisley! We placed a special call to him on our car ride Easter morning to officially ask to steal his name! Thankfully he agreed since they don’t plan to pass his full name on to the baby they’re expecting (if it’s a boy). I always knew that I wanted Michael to be part of my first son’s name in honor of the special Michaels in my life, and I am so grateful that that dream is now our reality.

Bryan and I are very blessed to have so many special men in our lives who have sacrificed a lot to love and support us and get us where we are today, and it feels wonderful to have the opportunity to share their legacy with the next generation.

The name William means “warrior” while Michael means “humble”, so we love the idea that his name means “humble warrior”. Michael literally means “Who is like God?” which translates to humble, and I just love that! What an important lesson to have imbedded in your name- a reminder of how humble we are in comparison to our heavenly Father. There’s great meaning in all aspects of this name, for sure.

It also feels really great to be able to call Liam by name! Bryan walks in the door from work, hugs me, and pats my belly, saying “Hey Liam!” He rolls over in the morning to give him a good morning pat too. I, of course, talk to him throughout the day, and according to our app that explains weekly progress, he is actually able to start recognizing my voice now, so I am sure I’ll continue to talk to him and sing to him as we go on.

We hope Liam likes the name we have chosen for him, and that he will come to know and appreciate what a long line of great men from which he comes.