A Non-Mom's Perspective on the Working Mom Debate

It seems that the debate has raged about the stay at home mom vs. the working mom forever. Recently, though, I've noticed a spike in articles discussing the topic. Some with gentler themes of "Can't we all just get along?" and others with a bit more of a "Screw you" feel directed at those on the other side. My take on it is more of: WHY ARE WE STILL ARGUING ABOUT THIS?

I am fairly unqualified to have a super opinionated stance one way or the other since currently I have zero children (with the exception of the golden doodle waiting anxiously in Alabama for Bryan and me to come scoop him up once he's old enough.) However, as someone who loves children and plans to have a bunch of them in the not too distant (but not too close) future, it's something I have talked about with B and with friends and worried about a ton. It's a constant back and forth struggle. We wonder how we'd be able to function without one parent being at home since even as DINKs we can't seem to get all of our daily crap done and then we wonder how we could ever afford not to have both of our incomes and pay for any extra little people to live, what with diaper, health care, food, crayon, and other needs. At times the worry of it all and the attempt to plan the future is utterly overwhelming.

What kind of mom am I going to be? Stay at home mom or working mom?

After much debate, prayer, and soul searching, the unsatisfying answer I have come to is: who the hell knows at this point?! But the saving grace behind that answer is that no matter what we decide, I am confident that I will be the best mom that I can be and that I will try really, really hard to do a good job.

The reason I have to be okay with not knowing has a couple of layers:

1- Who knows what financial position we will be in when the time comes to have kids? There's no way to predict where either B or myself will be in our careers in a few years when the time comes to start a family, or if maybe we will win the lottery or find a shoe box with a million dollars in it. It might be doable. It might not. We'll have to evaluate our lifestyle and potential sacrifices it would mean for us and for the life we want to give our kids.

2- Who knows what we will feel like or how our hearts will change when we actually have kids? I have seen enough people become parents to know that a huge change occurs when it happens, so much so that you're different in your core. I have seen people who fully planned on going back to work decide that they didn't want to after holding their child, and I have seen people who had decided to stay at home realize that they needed to work outside of the home to be the best parent they could be. I think it'd be pretty dumb of me to pretend to know at this point how my heart will change when I become a mom. All I know for sure is that it will.

My point is this: I don't expect that we will know what is right for our family- financially, mentally, or otherwise- until we are in the hot seats. I also don't know why so many folks presume that they should make judgements about the way other people decide to raise their kids. It would do so much good for all of us to just say "Hey! High five! I bet you're trying really, really hard to do a good job, aren't you? Good work!" Because ultimately, I think it would be extremely challenging to balance a house, groceries, errands, and a full time job. It would also be really hard to get pooped on and to have to tell your kid to stop doing the same thing over and over again while maybe wanting to run out the front door a tiny bit and having people ask "So what do you even do all day?"

Both ways are hard and both ways have value and purpose. My vote is to leave the great debate about which way is better (or heaven forbid, right) at the door. Let's move on, people! Let's give one another a little breathing room and believe that, for the most part, everyone is doing the best that they know how given their specific deck of cards.

High five from me to all the baby mamas.

Loving Yourself on the Journey

SHOCKING that a post in early January would be about change and "the journey", right? It seems fairly predictable. In reality, though, this topic is one that I have been contemplating for some time now. It's something that I would wager everyone thinks about and struggles with on a regular basis- particularly women.

How do you balance recognizing a need for change and setting goals with still loving and valuing yourself just the way you are?

Let me explain...

2012 was CRAZY. We started the year with buying a house. We traveled to weddings and went on vacations and business trips. We planned the wedding of our dreams, went on our honeymoon, and ten days later I left for India. I got back the week of Thanksgiving and delved right into holiday mode with shopping and decorating and yuletide crazy. All the while trying to figure out this wife thing and be what Bryan deserves in a partner. Don't get me wrong- I do not say any of this to complain in the slightest. 2012 was a year where many of my biggest dreams became realities. To say I am blessed would be the understatement of the century. However, to say that I feel a bit like I just walked out of a tornado would also be true.

As Bryan and I were driving the other day discussing resolutions, I said generically that I would like to find more balance in life. A result of the sheer insanity of last year is that stressed has become my normal. I know I am not alone in that. With lawns to mow, bills to pay, church to attend, friends to visit, spouses to love- we are all running from pillar to post 99% of the time. For me, a negative side effect of keeping that pace is that I sometimes find myself feeling like a big fat failure. In every sense of the word. When you are constantly thinking about the next thing and not feeling like you ever really finish the thing you're currently on, it can result in a sense of desperation and fear that you're just not cutting it. I have found that I've become anxious at times to the point where I almost can't catch my breath (which is something I have never really struggled with before). It is like I have gotten everything that I have ever really wanted in life (aside from kids which is whoooaaa nelly a few years away) but I am not at peace. And then I feel guilty because good lord, what do I have to complain about? It's a feeling I think a lot of women struggle with which is discussed at length in a book I love about a woman's heart called Captivating: we're constantly afraid that we are either too much or not enough and cannot ever seem to get it juuust right.

There is an obvious need for some tweaking in my day to day life to find balance and peace, and the good news is I have a plan.  I am going to document it here so that it is written down and captured forever on the permanent record of the interwebs. More to come on that later.

But my main objective is to be okay with the fact that I am on the journey. I would like to learn how to love myself better in spite of my flaws. I would like to learn how to be able to recognize a need for change and work toward my goals WITHOUT being unhappy with myself in the meantime. I often fall into the trap of "Things will be so much better when..." or "I will feel much more comfortable in my own skin once I..." UGH. Gross. Enough. It is exhausting.

The truth is, even if I were a size 2 CEO with perfect skin and all the money in the world, there would still be something off somewhere in my life. Perfection is not an option but being at peace with beautiful imperfection is. So, that is my overarching goal. Because I know that I will at some point skip a work out this year or eat much too much pizza or utter something too vulgar in front of someone too proper. I will feel like I am too much, and then too little. But then, I resolve to take a couple of deep breaths and remind myself that I am okay just the way that I am right at that very moment.

I hope that anyone reading this (who is still reading that this point) can take away that message also. Most of us have some lofty goals to work toward in 2013, which is a good thing. We should all always be changing, growing, and learning. It's helpful to stop, take stock of things, and recognize where change is needed. But let us also remember to love ourselves as we climb our respective mountains. We are okay. We are doing fine. We are enough.

Starting 2013 with a (Back) Splash!

We were very blessed with several gift cards to Home Depot for wedding gifts and decided to use them to purchase the materials for a back splash in our kitchen. This was a project I had been wanting to tackle for quite some time since we bought the house last year. It was one of those things that we didn't even notice was missing when we looked at the house. I think our eyes gleamed at the stainless steel appliances and granite counter tops (which we LOVE, don't get me wrong) and we didn't even think to consider a back splash. That is, until we started cooking and doing dishes and noticed that the walls were getting dirty and wet.

 

On the laundry list of projects we'd like to do (finish the bar Bryan is building, add stairs and a path in the front yard, hang the porch swing, etc.) this wasn't huge on Bryan's priority list. But luckily with the gift cards and the name of an affordable handy man from my uncle, it was a project that could be accomplished in a short amount of time and handled affordably by a professional. We found the tile we liked and were told my Home Depot associate #1 that it was called Noche. They didn't have enough, so we headed to another location to pick up more and the color seemed off in that box. So, at Home Depot number 3, associate #2 told me that the tile in the model we liked was not Noche at all- it was Chiaro.

 

After a deep sigh and several swap outs/ returns/ blah blah blah, we finally got the right tiles and we were ready to roll. With the help of our new friends Butch and Johnny, our back splash was ready after a couple days of work! I think B was surprised at the difference it made. He agreed that it makes the kitchen look more finished and polished, and it really completes the room nicely.

 

Here are the before and afters:

 

Corner Before

 



Corner After



Sink and Window Before

Sink and Window After

Kitchen Before

Kitchen After

Ta Daaaaa!

We love the tile we selected and are so pleased with the finished product. Projects like this for our home are so satisfying because I love that Bryan and I get to come together to make our little space in this world our own. I think they also help with the whole cleaving process as I have to resist to my gut instinct to just call my mom and ask her exactly what we should do and consciously step toward Bryan and value his opinion before all others. It's so funny how much of choice that is! Maybe I am abnormal because I am super close with my parents, but I do have to remind myself sometimes that we are running our show now. It is a lot of fun getting to make these decisions together and become more of a unit. Go Hills!

 

That said, I still called my mom 3 times last week when fixing my first ever breakfast casserole for Christmas, so I understand full well that I will never stop needing her counsel!