Charlottesville: Who Are These People?

If you're like me, you have spent the last few days trying to make sense of the events that occurred in Charlottesville last weekend. The most chilling coverage, and it seems to me the most accurate since it is comprised of firsthand interviews and footage, is here. I fully admit my naivete here, but this video was SHOCKING to me. I honestly did not understand that people who feel this way, and who are so unapologetic in their beliefs, still exist in our country. Even for those who disagree on important issues, there still seems to be some general respect and integrity present in our discord. But this was different. Blame it on my privilege, but I just did not comprehend that this was a reality in our country today. (And if you're uncomfortable with or don't understand the concept of privilege, check out this video. Privilege doesn't mean you're bad or that you've done something wrong, it's something that each of us just has based on our specific life circumstances. It's just a fact.)

Charlottesville has shocked me.

I haven't slept very well the past few nights because my mind has been replaying the images and words from the past weekend, as well as the words of our president in response to the events. I was laying awake last night after 1:00 AM, annoyed that I still couldn't fall asleep, and then it struck me. I thought, "Good, Paige! Good that you can't sleep. This is probably how mothers of black children feel most of the time. This is probably how your Muslim friends feel a lot of the time. This is probably how your gay friends feel a lot of the time." And none of this horrific sentiment is even directed at me! Imagine the sleepless nights of those who actually fear for themselves and their families. While I lie awake fearing for the world that my child will grow up in, others fear for their actual children.

My sister once told me that becoming a mom changes your entire perspective on the world. She told me that you can no longer drive past a homeless person without wondering what happened that got them there. She said you would picture that person as a baby, in the arms of his or her mother, and wonder what had happened between then and now that lead this person to be without a home or a family. I remember thinking that this sounded like a stretch, but I have found this to be 100% accurate after having Liam. So as I watched this horrific, hateful speech from men like Christopher Cantwell and heard the chants of "blood and soil", I cannot help but wonder what in the world happened to these people between the time that they came into this world and now. Did they have a family that loved them? Did they hear and learn some distorted version of God and what He teaches us? Who modeled for them that differences are dangerous?

I don't mean to say that each of these people came from horrible families. I am sure many are shocked to see loved ones in this footage, like Peter Tefft's father who disowned his son after seeing him marching in Charlottesville. Perhaps despite loving homes, kids were horrible to them in school or made them feel different or left out, causing them to seek comfort in the quick community one can find online. Perhaps the feeling of being different made them find somewhere they felt a part of something, where they could point their anger and hatred at something "different" that wasn't them.

I hear these people and they make me angry. They make my chest tighten and they make me want to scream. But more than anything, they make me sad. I am sad because all of these people who had, and still have, potential to do good in the world have instead chosen to spread hatred. I think it is important to remember that we are called to love our enemies, and though I do not excuse ANY of their behavior and believe that they should be held accountable, I think it is important to remember that God is capable of changing hearts. He has done so many times, and I pray that he will work to change theirs.

I have seen a lot of posts from really good people these past few days saying things along the lines of "If you voted for Trump, I hope you're happy now." I didn't personally vote for him, but I will tell you that I was horribly conflicted and hated voting this last election. I was not pumped for either option. And I know a lot of people that voted for him who were equally as disconcerted, and felt that nobody represented them. Many people, particularly Conservatives, felt that they had no good options. That's just the reality. I can tell you that many with whom I have spoken since are rightfully disappointed and disgusted with his performance thus far, and certainly with his comments regarding the events in Charlottesville. 

I understand where the anger is coming from when I see comments blaming those who voted for him. But I think it's valuable and necessary to try to empathize with folks who tried to make the best choice in a difficult election, and who you can bet the ranch are disgusted with the hatred and murder that occurred last weekend. Perhaps many are remaining silent in their conversations on social media and with friends for fear that admitting that they voted for him means they'll be faced with blame and the conclusion that they're racist bigots. We cannot act like everyone who voted for Trump agrees with the racist, hateful people who marched in Charlottesville, or with our ridiculous president's comments about them. That only serves to further divide us. 

Tonight, as I continued to grapple with this situation, my mind kept coming back to my son. How do I raise him to be a good person? How do I make sure he never becomes lost should he face mean kids at school and feel ostracized one day? How do I even explain that this kind of hatred exists in our country? I checked the monitor and he wasn't yet sleeping, so I snuck in to hug that precious little boy, and I just prayed. I prayed the Lord's Prayer many times. "Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us, and lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil." Eventually, I said, "Okay buddy, time for bed." Liam looked up at me and said, "Sleep." with a huge grin on his face.  I said, "Yes buddy, sleep." Without prompting he whispered, "I love you soooo much." I told him I loved him too, and with tears streaming down my face, laid him in his crib. 

What a precious gift to receive. When my mind was burdened and my heart was heavy with worry, this innocent little one looked up and shared that he loves me. Soooo much. That simple display of love was the answer to the question I didn't know I was asking him. I went to hold him needing to be reminded of goodness, and he responded with the unsolicited, generous response of loving me. 

Let us all do the same right now as we discern how to traverse the dicey, scary place that is our country right now. Let us respond to one another with unabashed love. 

Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.

-Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. 

Our Unexpected Trip to CHOA

I sat this morning in our nursery breastfeeding Liam, listening to the leftover rain trickling from the rooftop outside, and smelling my morning coffee on the table beside me. I heard the sound of Liam's little breath going in and out and the soft gulping noise that a new mom comes to know and love as she and her babe figure out this breastfeeding thing over the first few weeks of life. I rested comfortably in the soft, plush chair that reclines to offer me comfort and is shaped perfectly to support both Liam and me as he nurses. 

I have never been so thankful for these small, everyday blessings. 

Sunday night after a nice visit with Bryan's mom and a yummy dinner provided by a member of our church, I was holding Liam in my lap, staring at him in wonder as I am often found doing these days. We were planning to bathe him soon, so he was just wearing his diaper at the time. I noticed that his chest and stomach were really moving with each breath he took. He seemed to be working really hard just to get a breath in. I called Bryan over to ask his opinion, and took a video which I sent to my mom and sister with the caption "Is this normal?" They quickly indicated that it seemed pretty labored to them, and that no, this did not seem normal. Bryan suggested we call the pediatrician to get the nurse on call's advice on how to proceed. Within half an hour we were in the car and headed to Children's Healthcare of Atlanta. Thankfully, the hospital is just about a ten minute drive for us, though Bryan asked me why the drive felt like it was taking hours as we drove. I replied that I had no idea, but that it was certainly taking what seemed like an eternity as I sat in the back seat and looked at Liam's chest pumping air in and out. 

The nurse on the phone had said "Make sure you tell them he was in the NICU when he was born and make sure you tell them he is having respiratory problems." While I was thankful for the advice, which I assumed would help us to be seen urgently, I was simultaneously terrified as I figured that these two pieces of information would indicate to the ER that this situation was serious. I did not want the situation to be serious! We were seen quickly by the admitting nurse, and got to a room relatively fast. Liam's respiratory rate was jumping to the 80's on and off, which we knew from our stay in the NICU was definitely cause for concern. The doctor saw us and let us know we would be admitted overnight so they could run tests and monitor him as they worked to get his respiratory rate down. So here we were with our fifteen day old son about to have our first hospital stay. There were a lot of tears as they put him into a newborn hospital gown and stuck his hand with an IV- which I knew from recent experience hurts pretty badly. The spot on Liam's other hand had not yet even healed from the IV he had in the NICU, and here he was having another IV put into the opposite hand. I was grateful for the obviously needed medical help and simultaneously angry that they were sticking my son with another needle. I wanted to rip it out the whole time we were there. They drew blood to test for bacterial infections and took a nasal swab to test for viruses. They took us back to do a chest X ray which was the worst experience we had while there as Bryan was supposed to hold down his feet and I was to hold his arms up on either side of his head, pushing in on his face to keep him still. Liam HATED this, and screamed bloody murder while looking up at me with his tiny eyes which seemed to ask what I was doing to him and why this was happening. We had never heard him cry so loudly. His expression combined with the weight of the apron you have to wear causing my C section incision to ache was more than I could handle. After two failed attempts to get a good image, the technician came and took over for me. I went to the corner and wept until they were finished. 

My mom showed up some time after midnight since she, of course, couldn't sleep. We were finally admitted to our room on the third floor around 2 AM and I was FINALLY able to breastfeed Liam. He was several hours late feeding and I hadn't been allowed to nurse him until we got to the floor. I took a quick shower and changed into the clothes my mom brought (where would I be without that woman?) and got settled in for the night. Mom went home to rest and Bryan went home to look after Sawyer. There was only one bed, and being the sole source of food, I obviously had to stay while Bryan needed to go home. I am sure that was incredibly difficult for him.

 

The next couple of days are a bit of a blur. They were filled with uncomfortable breastfeeding sessions where both Liam and I struggled to find a position that worked in the hospital chair. There were various nurses and techs- some wonderful and a couple that fell short to be honest. Liam had an echo-cardiogram on Monday and the technician who did it as well as the doctor who ordered it both assured us that we would have the results that day. The test was run at around 2 in the afternoon. At 5:30 I asked the tech when we could expect the results. She went out to ask our nurse, and came back in to let us know the nurse had said it was pretty late in the day, so the doctor had probably left, and we would probably just get the results the next morning. Bryan and I had been on pins and needles all afternoon awaiting these results. All of the other tests had been negative, and my fear was that this last test would reveal a major heart defect. I was so nervous I could hardly breathe. The poor tech relayed this message from the nurse to us and I just remember screaming "DAMMIT!" and bursting into tears. The tech said she would go check with the nurse and I asked Bryan to get the nurse into our room immediately. He called her, and she said "Yea, the tech told me your wife was upset. I'll call the doctor to see if she is still here." Upon following up with the doctor, she told us that the doctor would be in our room within 5 to 10 minutes and had apparently always planned to visit us before leaving for the day. I was livid that the nurse had showed such a lack of attention to detail and had just guessed that we wouldn't have the results that day. To have had that hanging over our heads through the already difficult night ahead in the hospital would have been unbearable. (We had already had issues with this nurse earlier in the day as she had given us conflicting information from the respiratory team which just left us feeling lost and confused.) 

Thankfully the results from the echo-cardiogram were good. There were no significant worries, and it was determined that the respiratory problems were not caused by his heart. At shift change that evening, we met our night nurse Kristania who was a game changer for us from a nursing perspective. I explained to her through tears that we had NOT had a good day and I was probably more defensive than I needed to be. I was in mama bear mode by this point and was over the possibility of a lack of good care. She was excellent and really comforted Bryan and me as she cared for Liam and updated us with information about next steps and the various possibilities of how the night and next day could go. We are very thankful to have had her care for us that night and I apologized to her for being a crazy pants mom when she had initially arrived. 

Ultimately, we were released yesterday after Liam was weaned off of the air flow they had been giving him (which was not pure oxygen, but was the same concentration as room air, just at a higher flow in order to help him breathe easier). We packed up our little red wagon and left after two long and sleepless nights, a lot of coffee, and many prayers.

The experience of staying in a children's hospital was such a double edged sword to me. On the one hand, I was so incredibly thankful to have such a great hospital so close by. I couldn't imagine how I would feel if we lived far away or if our only option was a sub-par ER that didn't focus on children. On the other hand, everywhere you turn in a children's hospital there is heartache. Everywhere. Liam was probably one of the healthiest kids on our floor. There was a boy in the room next to us who looked to be about ten or eleven who I believe had cystic fibrosis or a similar condition. And for the majority of the time, he was alone. I would step out to get water or coffee, and look into his room. It was dark and he laid there, shirtless under the covers, staring up at the TV with a blank expression on his face, his mouth agape. Alone and probably scared. I just wanted to go in and hug him or talk to him and or pay him some kind of attention to make him feel loved. When my mom arrived on Monday and I told her about the boy. "Mom, he is alone. There is nobody there with him." She replied, "Right honey, because his parents are probably at work so they can pay for him to be here." I immediately thanked God that Bryan and I were able to be at the hospital with Liam. I can't imagine the pain of having to leave your child alone in the hospital. Later that day, Mom came into the room and told me that there were two people with the boy- probably his mom and dad- and it made my heart so glad. 

We only had two nights at CHOA with Liam. God willing, we will not be back soon! So many families have it so much worse. For us, there was no chemo, no permanent physical malady, no surgery. But for the kids we passed on the way to the cafeteria or the chapel, this was not the case. There were so many tinies walking around bravely in their hospital gowns pushing their IV's alongside them. One was even dressed as Batman! It was so confronting and was such a reminder to be thankful for Liam's overall good health. 

Sitting here writing this post this morning with Liam laying beside me, randomly smiling in his sleep, I am so incredibly thankful. I am more keenly aware of how lucky we are to have him safe and healthy at home with us. Driving past CHOA, as I do many times a week, will never be the same after having stayed on the inside of its walls. May God bless the babies and children who are still there this morning and their families, as well as the people brave enough to walk into those doors each day and care for these precious ones. It would take strength and courage that I can't imagine to do so.  

Anticipation

Well, here we are- in the home stretch of this pregnancy and preparing to meet our boy any day now. Everyone keeps asking me how I am feeling and each time they do, that old Carly Simon song “Anticipation” pops into my head. That is the name of the game these days- waiting, hoping, wishing, praying, anticipating. My friend Erin once shared the below eCard on Instagram and I remember chuckling at the time and now let me just say that I GET IT. This is spot on!

Last week (just shy of 38 weeks) I was awoken in the middle of the night by a contraction for the first time. I have been getting Braxton Hicks for a while now, and this was definitely a very different sensation than the tight, tense feeling of a Braxton Hicks. This one took my breath away and felt like a combination of a bad menstrual cramp and intense back pain with the sharpness of a gas pain and a general sense of pressure in the pelvis. I definitely understood quickly the need for learning about breathing techniques in baby classes, and I was immediately thankful that we spent time doing that so that Bryan can coach me through contractions when they’re coming hot and heavy. I woke Bryan up, and we timed them- just in case- but ultimately I was able to go back to sleep. After calling to check in with the nurse the next morning, I learned that this is prodromal labor, and basically means I will likely get random contractions here and there until actual labor comes. They have come each day since then, mostly waking me up in the middle of the night, but then they leave just as suddenly as they come. I am actually thankful for these contractions as I was worried that I wouldn’t be able to distinguish between a Braxton Hicks and a labor contraction. They feel completely different… and maybe once I actually go into labor I will look back and laugh thinking that these preview contractions were nothing like the real thing either. But for now, I feel at ease knowing that I will be able to identify when I am feeling something more than a Braxton Hicks.

We have a doctor appointment tomorrow afternoon where they’ll check my cervix for the first time to see if I am dilated at all. We will likely schedule an ultrasound for the following week (around 39.5 weeks) to check on Liam’s weight. He will definitely be a big boy! Once we see how big he is next week (assuming he hasn’t come by then) we will talk through options with our midwife to ensure that we’re aware of all of our choices and the risks associated with each. It’s definitely our preference to wait until he is ready to come on his own, and we are hopeful that that will be the case. But, I do want to be educated on the downside of him getting too big and potentially not dropping or risking being injured on his way out. Inducing is not my first option, but I also want to do what is best for Liam at the end of the day. The good news is we are now with a practice where we don’t feel pressured one way or the other, and I am nervous but also believe in Bryan’s and my ability to make the right decision for our son. It is hard when there is no black and white, right or wrong way to proceed, though. I guess we can count this as practice for the many times in the future where there is no guide book on parenting, and Bryan and I have to trust in our gut and in each other that we will make the right call for our little family.

On Sunday, there will be a Super Moon- the largest full moon of the year, and Bryan and I have plans to go to Scalini’s for dinner and order their famous labor-inducing eggplant parmesan. I am crossing my fingers that the combination of these two old wives tales may just be enough to trigger labor. But if not, it sounds like a fun date night anyway!

Liam's Daddy

It’s hard to know where to start when putting into words how lucky I am to have Bryan for my husband and how lucky Liam is to have him for his father. I knew in choosing Bryan to be my partner in life that he would make an incredible dad, which is part of the reason I married him. To see him transforming into a dad through this pregnancy, though, has surpassed my expectations.

Bryan has taken such sweet care of me as I have gone through the ups and downs of being pregnant. He has read books and articles and email updates from various pregnancy websites, and has been excited each Saturday to see what size vegetable Liam is that week and how his little body is developing. He has been enthusiastic about attending classes- from Preparing for Labor and Delivery to Breastfeeding for Couples to Dogs and Babies and more. During our Labor and Delivery class, we got an hour to break for lunch and as we got into the car, I noticed he was giving me a funny, smitten look. I asked what that was about and he told me how he was in awe of what my body was doing to grow Liam and how proud he was of me for doing a great job carrying our baby. He learned all of the various massage techniques to help me through potential back labor and breathing exercises we can do together so he can coach me and support me. He showed up 110% and as I looked around the room, he was noticeably more engaged than a lot of the other dads there (not to brag, but… I have to brag.) He lies beside me in bed and counts kicks, and sits on the floor beside me while I rock in nursery and reads Liam books. He holds onesies up to his shoulder and practices burping him with a precious grin on his face. He already adores Liam and I can see in his eyes that he is adoring me too as I grow this little guy.

I got some great advice from a college friend, Whitney at The Curtis Casa, about pouring into your spouse during pregnancy. She told me how she had learned that amidst the myriad of people and resources who will offer advice and the many choices you have to seek support during pregnancy, it’s so important to fully trust your husband to be what you need! Doctors and doulas and parents are all important, but at the end of the day, Bryan is my guy. It will be up to the two of us to parent Liam and to love one another well throughout this crazy parenting adventure. I have really tried to take this to heart and allow Bryan to step up to the plate rather than seeking too much of what I need from outside people, and he has truly blown me away. It’s already been an experience which has brought us together in a new way, and it makes me SO excited to actually see him hold our boy and watch him learn to be a daddy.

There have certainly been days when I have been flat out cranky and hormonal or when I have felt overwhelmed by one aspect of pregnancy or another. He has been so patient and has constantly told me I am beautiful (which feels especially good as I have reached the third trimester and the comments asking if I am having twins or if I am due TOMORROW because gosh I am just so big have begun!) I really don’t know what I would do without him. Even tonight, he made a yummy dinner, put on some nice music, sat and ate with me, did the dishes, and has promised to read the instructions then talk me through how the heck to use the breast pump that came in the mail today. (Wild night here at the Hill House.) I’m just really thankful for the man that he is and the way that he has shown up throughout this pregnancy. I cannot imagine doing this with anyone else.

Thank you, Bryan, for loving me so well and for being the incredible dad that you already are.

Labor Playlist

As we prepare ourselves for the day that we will bring Liam into the world, Bryan and I both feel strongly about being very intentional with the environment we want to create as I labor. We’re trying to educate ourselves through classes about different positions for laboring, breathing exercises, ways he can massage me to offer support and comfort, etc. Of course we don’t know what our actual delivery will look like. There are certain factors which are out of our control, so we will have to roll with the punches when the time comes. That said, we do feel confident that we are arming ourselves with the tools which will help us go into that day feeling as prepared as we can. We want to create an environment that will feel familiar and comforting and will help us connect as partners so that I know I can lean on him for support, and that he knows that he is the irreplaceable person I need by my side to coach and love me. We’ll be toting our big birthing ball to the hospital with us, a microwaveable heating pad, a number of back massagers, some essential oils, and last but not least- a speaker.

Growing up in my home, there was always music. There was music during dinner, music during chores, music during yard work, and music in the car. Maybe it’s the fact that I have a drummer for a dad, but I don’t remember any time when there was just quiet. To this day, if we’re all hanging out, someone will say “Can we get some music going?” or “Where’s the music?” In order for me to truly wind down, or to connect with a certain mood or memory, I’ve got to have the right soundtrack going.

So naturally, heading into this experience, I had to create a labor playlist! Some songs have special meaning for Bryan and me, some songs take me back to riding in the back seat of my parents car when I was little, and some are recent favorites that I’ve reflected more on as we prepare to become parents. But all of them make me feel thankful or peaceful or calm in some way, and I hope that having this music softly playing in the background will help us to create a space where we both feel comforted and confident.

Side Note: Bryan keeps trying to get me to add “Push It” by Salt-N-Peppa, but I continue to hold out on that one.

Liam’s Playlist:

1. Do You Remember, Jack Johnson
2. Something Beautiful, Needtobreathe
3. Danny’s Song, Loggins & Messina
4. This Is Heaven To Me, Madeleine Peyroux
5. Washed By The Water, Needtobreathe
6. Everything, Michael Buble
7. Feels Like Home, Chantal Kreviazuk
8. Garden, Needtobreathe
9. Blackbird, The Beatles
10. Home, Phillip Phillips
11. La Vie En Rose, Louis Armstrong
12. Michicant, Bon Iver
13. Moon River, Audrey Hepburn
14. New Slang, The Shins
15. Re: Stacks, Bon Iver
16. ‘S Wonderful, Joao Gilberto
17. Sunrise, Norah Jones
18. This Years Love, David Gray
19. Warm Love, Van Morrison
20. What a Wonderful World, Louis Armstrong
21. Corcovado, Joao Gilberto
22. You and Me, Dave Matthews Band
23. Fields of Gold, Sting
24. God of Wonders, Caedmon’s Call
25. Crazy Love, Van Morrison
26. Harvest Moon, Neil Young
27. For Those Below, Mumford & Sons
28. I Know, Meaghan Smith
29. Mandolin Rain, Bruce Hornsby & The Range
30. So em teus bracos, Joao Gilberto
31. Sweet Baby James, James Taylor
32. Better Together, Jack Johnson
33. Gypsy, Fleetwood Mac
34. Something, The Beatles
35. Paradise, Coldplay
36. Fields of Gray, Bruce Hornsby
37. The Luckiest, Ben Folds
38. Here Comes the Sun, The Beatles
39. I and Love and You, The Avett Brothers
40. Little Martha, The Allman Brothers Band
41. Beautiful Boy (Darling Boy), John Lennon

Homemade Bacon and Chocolate Chip Pancakes

This past weekend was our first in town in a month! After spending the past three weekends in Florida for various events, I have to say that although we had a blast traveling, it felt great to sleep in and wake up in our own bed on Saturday.

While easing into the day, I got a hankering for pancakes and on a whim, pulled up recipes for homemade pancakes on Pinterest. I have always been one to use the boxed mix to fix pancakes, so I am not sure what made me want to investigate the homemade version that morning, but I am glad I did! To my surprise we had all of the ingredients on hand, and even had an extra ingredient with which I experimented- BACON.

I am not sure I will ever go back to the boxed stuff again after eating these pancakes! We had a couple slices of leftover bacon from Friday morning’s breakfast, and I crumbled them up in the ziplock in which they were stored and added to the pancakes once they were distributed into spoon fulls on the griddle. I added bacon to some and chocolate chips to others, then left the second round plain. I used this recipe, then just added the extras. I also used whole wheat flour.

Bryan and I both loved them and I can’t wait to make them again! They only took 5 minutes longer to prep than the boxed mix, but tasted so much better. I hope you will give them a shot! Let me know what you think if you do, or if you have any pancake tips to share!

 

My Biggest Fear About Having a Baby

I have had several people ask me if I am nervous about childbirth, or wish me good luck with the sleepless nights and the endless diaper changes in the not so distant future. Parenthood comes with lots of new experiences that can, at times, be daunting when you allow yourself to think of them all at once. But like anything, I try to remind myself that all of this will be fine when taken one day at a time. We will learn as we go about how to handle each situation and will settle into a routine with Liam and eventually find our new normal.

Honestly, what scares me most about having a baby is the change that it will mean for my marriage. Everyone says that there is no way to understand the type of love you will have for your child until you first hold them in your arms, and I am sure that is so true. As much as I love him now, I do feel a little like all of this is still sort of imaginary at this point- though as the nursery furniture arrives and Liam’s movements become more like kicks and less like flutters, the reality becomes more clear. I cannot imagine how Bryan and I will feel and how our hearts will change once he gets here. I am sure it will be overwhelming and will be something we could never grasp until it actually happens.

I know it will be an amazing new love, and that it will also deepen the love I have for Bryan as I see him become a father. He is going to be so, so amazing at being a dad. I watched him dance with the flower girl at a wedding we attended this past weekend, copy catting her most original moves and just delighting this little girl- not caring a thing about looking silly- and my heart swelled at the thought of him dancing around with Liam. Bryan was born to be a dad.

However as excited as I am to witness him as a father, I know that we are also in for a whole new level of sleeplessness and busyness. We have babysat overnight a few times for our niece and nephew, and I remember us looking at one another after finally getting them to bed and commenting on how we hadn’t even had time to ask how the other’s day had been. There was so much to do with dinner time and coaxing them into eating 3 more bites and bath time and stories that there was never a minute to sit still! And this will be normal, every night, without ever giving him back to his parents the next day because the parents will be us. As exciting as all of this is, it is also fairly terrifying.

Having little glimpses of the sheer chaos that comes with parenthood makes it easy to see how couples lose sight of each other and their marriages. I am sure that it is never an intentional move and that it is something that probably happens slowly over the course of time, but it is easy to see how exhaustion could lead to complacency in a relationship. I know that B and I will have to be much more intentional about taking care of one another and showing our love for each other so that we can put our marriage before all else, including Liam, but it’s hard to know what that will look like. I often hear people say “You just have to put your marriage first.” Okay- sounds good. What does that look like? How do you do that on a daily basis? The reality of how to practice that day in and day out is what perplexes me. My mom always says that “the best gift you can give your child is to love your spouse and love them well.” I want to be sure to give Liam and his future siblings that gift, and to give Bryan the gift of putting him first in an effort to protect this marriage with which we have been blessed. How that will work amongst the craziness is what I am nervous about.

Since finding out we are pregnant, we have been extra intentional about taking time to sleep in on weekends to snuggle and relax with one another, knowing that our days of doing so are numbered. A few weeks ago, Bryan and I were enjoying this one Saturday morning and were discussing our mutual fear of losing each other in the hustle and bustle. “I don’t want to miss you,” he said. That simple statement captured the sentiment very well, I thought. I don’t want to miss my husband even though he is standing just feet away from me and sleeping by my side at night. We both feel so strongly about fiercely protecting our marriage, and I think we both feel a little unprepared at how to do so.

If anyone reading this has tricks that have worked for them, please share! I am sure this is a topic that hits close to home for many couples with young kids, and I’d love to learn about some tangible ways that you put your spouse first.