It's a boy!

April 9, 2015

Tuesday, March 31^st 2015 was the day we found out that our first child would be a son. We had blood work done at our first trimester screening which would identify a number of genetic conditions like Down’s Syndrome if any existed, and would also detect the baby’s DNA within my bloodstream. It’s a relatively new test, based on my understanding, so folks have the option of finding out way earlier than before if they’re having a boy or a girl. If you know me, you know that I am the least patient person alive, and I wanted to know as soon as possible. Bryan said he could wait to find out via ultrasound, but thankfully, he appeased his wife and we opted to do the test.

The results were to come in 7 to 10 business days from when they sent the blood work, so we were surprised when we got the call Monday, March 30^th (the anniversary of when we had started dating 8 years earlier) that the results were ready and waiting at Northside! Rather than try to pull together a bigger gender reveal get together with family and friends, we opted to just gather our parents for dinner to find out the news. This was partly to keep it low key and stress free, and partly because I didn’t want to have to wait very long once we had the results in our possession to find out!

Mom and I picked up the envelope that Monday, and by some miracle, I was well behaved and didn’t sneak a peek before I was supposed to. Tuesday, I asked our across the street neighbor to take the envelope, a box, and two pairs of shoes- one blue, and one pink- and to place the correct shoes in the box for us. She was so sweet to help us, and her two kids even got in on the action and made their guesses about what we were having. She dropped the box off on our front porch, and we were locked and loaded- ready to find out that night!

 

My parents and Bryan’s folks all met up wit us at Old Blind Dog, a local Irish pub we love, to find out the gender and have a celebratory dinner. I was CONVINCED it was a girl based on a couple of dreams I’d had, and I think Bryan thought it was a girl too simply because I was so convinced. Once everyone arrived, we explained how we had set it up and that whichever color shoes were in the box would be what we were having.

FINALLY the big moment arrived, and we opened the little box to find two tiny blue shoes.

 

 

We were shocked and thrilled, and I immediately started crying. It was such a joyful moment. Though I had been convinced it was a girl, I honestly didn’t care one way or the other what we would be having. But knowing that we would have a son was just magical. My mind instantly went to visions of soft blue baby clothes, to Bryan playing in the yard with our boy, to the smell of dirt at the ball games we would attend. There is such a special magic in little boys as they navigate this world and learn to become young men. What a gift from God and what an incredible responsibility we would have in raising him. I get a lump in my throat thinking about it.

Everyone there to share in the moment- my mom and dad, Bryan’s dad and stepmom Donna, and his mom and stepdad Steve- was just thrilled as well. It was neat to be able to share the excitement with them and have all of us find out together. I loved looking around the room and seeing everyone’s face. My mom was just thrilled in general and excited the wait was over. I could tell that knowing it was a boy made the reality sink in just a little bit more for my dad that his baby girl is going to be a mom. Bryan’s mom was crying and so excited for her first grandson and all the special things that would entail. Steve started talking about finding a train set he’d been looking for, which is precious as he will be the resident expert on all things that go for our son given that he’s a technological genius. Donna was so sweet and videoed the whole thing, capturing all the reactions and, I know, so excited to have another grandson on the way. Bryan’s dad’s reaction may have been my favorite though. There were not a lot of words spoken, but there were definitely some tears held back as it sunk in that his son was having a son and that the next generation of Hill men was on its way. There is something really special about that, and it made me all the more glad we decided to share this moment with all of our parents.

After lots of tears and talk about our little guy on the way, everyone headed home- not before the parents gave us gifts they already had waiting! Bryan and I went and sat in the car and just soaked it all in for a little while. I turned on one of our favorites- “Danny’s Song” and we sat there and smiled at each other and cried a little bit. We had listened to this song a lot when we first moved into our house and started life together because everything was so new and fresh and wonderful and the song somehow seemed to capture that. It’s been on the kitchen dancing playlist ever since. But, after hearing our news, it took on a whole new meaning. I hope every time we hear that song we remember the joy of that moment and how lucky we are to get to be parents to this child. I can hardly wait to meet him.

People smile and tell me I'm the lucky one, and we've just begun,
Think I'm gonna have a son.
He will be like she and me, as free as a dove, conceived in love,
Sun is gonna shine above.

And even though we ain't got money, I'm so in love with ya honey,
And everything will bring a chain of love.
And in the morning when I rise, you bring a tear of joy to my eyes,
And tell me everything is gonna be alright.

Nipplegate

I am writing this post in hindsight, with a good night’s sleep, and the nausea behind me in an effort to get real and be honest about the crazy that can come with pregnancy.

Being pregnant is awesome and terrifying at the same time. It’s a crazy juxtaposition of being thankful to finally have this thing you have wanted since you were little and have prayed for over the course of many years, and then feeling like a psycho person, experiencing emotions you have never felt and pain you didn’t know existed. It’s like you are thrilled this baby is coming, but this pregnancy thing you just want to give back or pass on to your husband to do.

Thus, I give you the story Bryan and I laughingly refer to now as Nipplegate. It was around 8 weeks into the pregnancy. Hormones were unpredictable, inconsistent, and just rude in general.  I would feel fine one hour and depressed or angry or weepy the next.  After a long and exhausting day, accompanied by hours of nausea (which NEVER hit in the morning for me, but rather at some point between 3:00 and 5:00 in the afternoon, and would last until I fell asleep that night), I was finally crawling into bed for the night. I had gotten into the habit of wearing a sports bra to bed because my breasts were so swollen and tender that not having some kind of support was way worse than the annoyance of sleeping in a bra. As I was tucking myself into the covers, my hand grazed my chest, and I let out a small “Ahh”, signifying that something had caught me off guard. Bryan innocently asked, “What’s wrong?” and I said, “Something is stuck in my bra”. Reaching in to retrieve said object, I immediately began WEEPING. Y’all- ugly cry, face in hands, full on weeping.

My poor husband. He yells, “What is it?! What’s wrong?!” And slowly, I yelled through tears, “It’s my niiipplleeee!!! Waaah.”

This was a new low.

The weird thing which felt so foreign to me was, in fact, just my boob, scaring the buh-Jesus out of me. I was so swollen that I didn’t even recognize my own body. Poor Bryan just sat there and rubbed my back, probably trying not to laugh while at the same time likely TERRIFIED of whoever this person was who had taken over his wife. He tried his best to comfort me and grappled for the right words because, oh my gosh, how do you respond to that?

I tried to regain my composure and explained to Bryan that this moment had been like a light bulb going off for me. While I can laugh about it now, this was the instant that it hit me like a ton of bricks- this baby train is going, Mama, whether you like it or not. We are used to having relative control over our bodies. There is a cause and effect, natural rhythm to how we feel. Bloated? Eat less salt. Dehydrated? Drink more water. Headache in the morning? Drink less wine the night before, fool.

But this- this was something foreign and new. My body was changing before my eyes. I was feeling bloated, had sore and huge breasts, and had an aching tailbone from where my body was shifting to prepare for this growing baby. All of this was happening within my own skin, and there was nothing I could do about it.

I was completely, 100% overwhelmed by it all.

I don’t say any of this to complain about this pregnancy or to discourage anyone from becoming pregnant. I’ve just been asked by so many people to tell them “the real version” of what this is like, and I want to be honest about the reality of this process. I hope to help others to know what it is like, and I want to remember these details one day when Nipplegate is a distant memory.

There is a happy ending to this story because, you know what? It all worked out fine. I stopped crying, got a good night’s sleep, and things were okay again the next day. There will be moments during pregnancy where you feel completely overwhelmed and very isolated. You’re the only one carrying this baby and you’re sacrificing your sense of normalcy and control to bring this human being into the world. You will just have to take a couple of deep breaths, do the next right thing, and keep on trucking. Seeing this baby’s fingers for the first time and watching it kick on the ultrasound this week made all of this insanity worth it.

We Saw You This Week

February 8, 2015

Dear Baby,

We got to see you for the first time this week. We went in for our first ultrasound at a couple days shy of 6 weeks, and we saw you- our little black dot nestled into a sea of gray. You are the coolest thing we have ever laid eyes on.

You are the size of a sweet pea right now, which surprisingly seems big to me given that you were just a poppy seed a couple of weeks ago! Next week you’ll be a blueberry, and the week after a raspberry! And then, before we know it, you’ll be graduating from high school, I’m sure.

It was the neatest thing getting to see you on that screen. It helped me to make the connection that you are really there, growing every day inside my body. It’s been difficult to really believe this is happening because other than being really tired and really all over the place emotionally, I feel pretty normal. (Also being tired and all over the place emotionally isn’t particularly out of the ordinary for me…) Seeing you made us take a small step toward understanding the reality of this blessing. This miracle.

I go in for more (!) blood to be drawn tomorrow to make sure that you’re growing at a good pace, and in a couple short weeks, we will go back to see your tiny heartbeat. By then you will have little arms and legs, which seems remarkable to me given that you look a lot like a shrimp today based on my Google searches. I am crazy nervous and also so excited and hopeful that we will see your tiny heart beating away when that appointment comes.

Right now I feel like you are a girl and I wonder so much what you actually are. I could not care less if you are a boy or a girl- I am just so proud that you are ours. I am constantly thinking of all the things I can’t wait to teach you. Your daddy is making me us pancakes right now on a Sunday morning before church. He will certainly teach you how to make the perfect scrambled eggs and bacon, which superheroes belong to Marvel and which belong to that other one, how to be respectful and loving, and all about movies and trivia. Mostly you will learn from him about integrity and character and loyalty. He is an expert in those fields.

I hope I will teach you, above all else, about kindness. Beyond anything else you can be- smart, athletic, funny, whatever- if I can teach you to be kind then I will have done my job. This will be a tall task for someone with the patience of a puppy, but I am going to try very hard. I also have a feeling that you will teach me a thing or two about how to be more patient. I cannot wait for the adventures we will have.

Time for pancakes. I hope you enjoy them and that they make your little arms and legs sprout.

I love you, Sweet Pea.

Momma

I'm Gonna Make This Place Your Home

January 30, 2015

For over 6 months now I have been working on getting into shape by taking an early morning class three mornings a week. It’s comprised of high intensity interval training (HIIT) with running interspersed, and I have also been getting in some runs on days when I don’t have class. The first day of class I thought I was going to DIE. I have never really enjoyed running and when I was trying to keep up with the other folks in the class just to finish the quarter mile run, I was feeling incredibly down on myself. I felt very much like getting into my car and driving home and hoping to God I didn’t run into these people at the grocery store after having darted away with my tail between my legs.

But- I stayed, and kept coming back. Long story short- over the course of several months, I got to where I was able to run four miles without stopping, which is something I had never been able to do. It might not seem far to some, but for this non-runner, that was a big day. I ended up losing about 15 pounds, but more importantly, I have come to feel stronger, more confident, and more comfortable in my own skin.

My main motivation for joining this class was to get healthy and prepare my body to carry a baby. I was uncomfortable in my own skin after a lazy first year of marriage where I had not been exercising, and I knew that 2015 was the year we hoped to start a family. My awesome trainer, Heather, spoke at a Women’s Circle meeting at my church and said that nothing fitness related would really click for you until you found your “why”. I knew right away that my “why” was starting a family. I needed to start down a healthier path to prepare my body and to prove to myself that I could do something like this before having babies, so that I would know I was capable of it afterward. I felt that it would help me get back to it once baby is here (and my hope is that it will!) because I will have already done it before.

Being pregnant and having a child would often cross my mind on runs. It would help me stay motivated to reach the top of a tough hill, or it would give me a boost of energy to pick up my pace. Knowing this body would (God willing) become a vessel to carry such a precious, fragile gift encouraged me to strengthen it.

One song in particular motivated me like no other on my running playlist. “Home” by Phillip Phillips not only has a great beat for running, but it was full of meaning to me during this particular time of anticipation, preparation, and hope. The first time it clicked to me that this would be by anthem for getting myself into better shape I was mid-run and I swear, I started crying as I jogged along. It was like I was singing to this not yet born, not yet even conceived, little baby. I felt like I was loving it already, and preparing my body to be its home for the duration of its time in my womb.

Hold on, to me as we go
As we roll down this unfamiliar road
And although this wave is stringing us along
Just know you're not alone
Cause I'm going to make this place your home.

It came on today while I was on a run with Sawyer over my lunch hour, and it was the first time I had heard it since finding out we are pregnant. Now, that… that was a full circle moment. I am not in perfect shape, and I have no idea what my body will go through in the next 8 months and 3 weeks- though I will continue with the classes and modify where needed as long as I can. It’s pretty terrifying, and I’m sure it won’t be pretty. But I feel good knowing that I have, at least, taken the steps to get myself into better shape, which I hope will serve the babe and me well on this adventure. And I am hopeful that this will have given me a needed confidence boost to get back at it once the baby is here so that I can model healthy behavior for this kiddo and any who come after.

Sitting here writing this all I can think about is how good God is. I can see now that all of the miles I put in and the 5:00 AM alarms were preparing me- mentally and physically- for this moment. Hours spent on walks and runs reflecting on the possibility of and the hope for this child were slowly but surely moving my body- and more importantly my heart- where it needed to be.

Baby Hill graduated today from poppy seed to apple seed. Next week he or she will be the size of a sweet pea, which sounds HUGE right now (which I am sure we will laugh at later!) I am already so proud of him or her, working away in my belly to grow and grow. I hope Baby Hill likes his/her new home.

Initial Thoughts

January 26, 2015

I cannot believe I am going to be a Mom. That really, I already am- and Bryan is a dad. Today Baby Hill is the size of a poppy seed. By the end of the week, he or she will be the size of an apple seed- which is a pretty big week for the little one, if you think about it! I am trying to let this all sink in and let the reality of the situation fall over me, because truthfully, I don’t feel very different yet. Other than being much more sleepy than usual, I feel normal. I know the morning sickness doesn’t hit until about week 6 (thanks Google), so it should hit around the time we go to San Francisco for my friend Michele’s wedding. Baby Hill will most definitely cramp my style during our day visiting vineyards in Napa, though the upside is that we’ll save hundreds on a wine tour since we have a designated driver now!

At this point we’ve told only our parents, but I am already dying to share the news with everyone. I swear I almost told about 4 people at Publix the day I found out. This poor mama was trying to find something on an aisle as her two daughters- probably 2 and 4- screamed to her from the cart about an item they wanted. She looked at me as I passed and sighed, giving me an expression that said “I’m sorry my kids are screaming and that you’re hearing it and I’m just trying so hard!” I smiled and said “Don’t worry, you’re good!” What I wanted to say was “Don’t worry, you’re good! I am 5 minutes pregnant and I am so excited and I can’t stop smiling and their fussing sounds like music to me right now!” (I am sure I will look back and laugh at the notion of that sounding like music when it’s my own screaming kids in the buggie, but for now, I will revel in it.) Thankfully I showed some restraint, and kept my stream of consciousness rant to myself.

I have only known now for three days, and already I feel like it has been an eternity. Not being able to tell friends and family is SO hard! We had two parties to attend this weekend and I had to keep my mouth shut. I also had to say no to the vino, so likely, everyone already 100% knows- but what can you do?

Then there is the worry. More women I know than not have had a miscarriage, and I am trying to balance not getting overly excited about this baby until 12 weeks with being positive because at this point, there is only a reason to be joyful. I guess worrying about your child starts from day one.

For right now, I am trying to choose to live in joy about this news, because this baby is already a gift from God and a blessing to Bryan and me. I have been Googling sizes and development stages constantly, and it’s so crazy to see a visual of what the baby looks like now versus what he or she will look like in just two more weeks! It will go from being the size of a poppy seed to a little shrimp looking thing by week 6, and by week 8, it will have little arms and hands! It’s just truly miraculous to me.

As time drips by until we hit week 12- and of course, after that too- I will continue to pray. Pray for this baby to grow and develop and thrive. Pray for Bryan and me to draw closer to God and to one another as we navigate these life changing, relationship changing waters for the first time. Pray that I will be a good mom.

This already feels like this biggest thing I have ever done and he or she is still just a poppy seed! I can’t imagine how I will feel when we get to watermelon!

Finding Out

Friday morning, January 23^rd I am standing in the kitchen making coffee. The home pregnancy test sits off to the side, but I am not giving it the same amount of attention as I have the last three months we’ve been trying to get pregnant. True to my utterly impatient nature, I’ve already taken a test three days this week- Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday-since the tests say you can take them up to 5 days before your missed period. (Lesson #1- none of this is in my control, no matter how much I want it to be.)

Given all of the negative tests, I am thinking this one will be a big fat negative too, but just had to double check after the dream I had last night. I dreamt I had a little girl, and that I was breast feeding her. I remember looking down at a sweet little face as she nursed, her head topped with light brown hair and her cheeks rosy and flushed the way babies' are when they first wake up. It felt so incredibly real that something in my gut told me to just take another test the next morning.

I work from home on Fridays, so thankfully am not in much of a rush. I took the test, and proceeded to go about my morning. Clad in my favorite cozy pajamas covered in pink donuts, I placed the filter in the coffee machine. I pulled the pot out to fill with water. I flipped the lever to the sink, and as I began pouring water in, I glanced at the test.

“Pregnant.”

And then my whole world changed.

My heart jumped. Then I jumped! Then I jumped a little bit more. Then I sprang into action to tell Bryan. Months before, I had been a crazy person bought a little tiny onesie from Babies R Us that says “I Heart Dad” on it. I knew that I wouldn’t be able to wait to tell Bryan once I knew, and I wanted to have a cute way on hand to be able to do it. I grabbed the onesie from my underwear drawer where it had been hiding, and placed it on his pillow in the bed. I knocked on the bathroom door and said “Hey, I forgot, I got you a new shirt. Come see it!” “What?” he hollered. I repeated myself. “What??” he hollered again. I repeated myself once more. Third time’s the charm. “Be out in a minute,” he said, and I ran to the bed and sat there under the covers beside the onesie topped pillow.

I get my iPhone ready to video him. I don’t get it going in time, and he walks into the room right as the familiar beep of the video beginning chimes. He hears it and screams “Are you videoing me?! Turn that off!”

Damn. He’s naked. So much for capturing the moment on video. “Sorry, sorry!” I yell and say, “Come look at your shirt.” (Not sure why he hadn’t questioned me further about my random attempt to video him but he didn’t!) Bryan comes to sit beside me and lays back onto the pillow, totally not seeing the white onesie against the it, and says “Where is it?”

This is not going smoothly!

“You’re sitting on it!” I yell. Confused, Bryan turns around and pulls the onesie from behind him. He looks at it. He looks at me. He looks back at it. His eyes light up and he screams “What the expletive?!”

 

I nod vigorously and scream “I’m pregnant!” and we share one of our very best hugs yet.

I chug a bunch of water then take another test: “Pregnant”.

It feels completely surreal for both of us and we keep just staring at one another like “Is this real life??” I call the doctor to make an appointment for next week- Thursday afternoon- and Bryan tears himself away to head into the office.

The adventure begins.