It seems that the debate has raged about the stay at home mom vs. the working mom forever. Recently, though, I've noticed a spike in articles discussing the topic. Some with gentler themes of "Can't we all just get along?" and others with a bit more of a "Screw you" feel directed at those on the other side. My take on it is more of: WHY ARE WE STILL ARGUING ABOUT THIS?
I am fairly unqualified to have a super opinionated stance one way or the other since currently I have zero children (with the exception of the golden doodle waiting anxiously in Alabama for Bryan and me to come scoop him up once he's old enough.) However, as someone who loves children and plans to have a bunch of them in the not too distant (but not too close) future, it's something I have talked about with B and with friends and worried about a ton. It's a constant back and forth struggle. We wonder how we'd be able to function without one parent being at home since even as DINKs we can't seem to get all of our daily crap done and then we wonder how we could ever afford not to have both of our incomes and pay for any extra little people to live, what with diaper, health care, food, crayon, and other needs. At times the worry of it all and the attempt to plan the future is utterly overwhelming.
What kind of mom am I going to be? Stay at home mom or working mom?
After much debate, prayer, and soul searching, the unsatisfying answer I have come to is: who the hell knows at this point?! But the saving grace behind that answer is that no matter what we decide, I am confident that I will be the best mom that I can be and that I will try really, really hard to do a good job.
The reason I have to be okay with not knowing has a couple of layers:
1- Who knows what financial position we will be in when the time comes to have kids? There's no way to predict where either B or myself will be in our careers in a few years when the time comes to start a family, or if maybe we will win the lottery or find a shoe box with a million dollars in it. It might be doable. It might not. We'll have to evaluate our lifestyle and potential sacrifices it would mean for us and for the life we want to give our kids.
2- Who knows what we will feel like or how our hearts will change when we actually have kids? I have seen enough people become parents to know that a huge change occurs when it happens, so much so that you're different in your core. I have seen people who fully planned on going back to work decide that they didn't want to after holding their child, and I have seen people who had decided to stay at home realize that they needed to work outside of the home to be the best parent they could be. I think it'd be pretty dumb of me to pretend to know at this point how my heart will change when I become a mom. All I know for sure is that it will.
My point is this: I don't expect that we will know what is right for our family- financially, mentally, or otherwise- until we are in the hot seats. I also don't know why so many folks presume that they should make judgements about the way other people decide to raise their kids. It would do so much good for all of us to just say "Hey! High five! I bet you're trying really, really hard to do a good job, aren't you? Good work!" Because ultimately, I think it would be extremely challenging to balance a house, groceries, errands, and a full time job. It would also be really hard to get pooped on and to have to tell your kid to stop doing the same thing over and over again while maybe wanting to run out the front door a tiny bit and having people ask "So what do you even do all day?"
Both ways are hard and both ways have value and purpose. My vote is to leave the great debate about which way is better (or heaven forbid, right) at the door. Let's move on, people! Let's give one another a little breathing room and believe that, for the most part, everyone is doing the best that they know how given their specific deck of cards.
High five from me to all the baby mamas.
